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AMUSEMENTS from past issues

Fun from March 2010



My mother taught me RELIGION.

�You had better pray that will come out of the carpet.�

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

�If you don�t behave, I�m going to knock you into the middle of next week!�

My mother taught me LOGIC.

�Because I said so, that�s why.�

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

�Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you�re in an accident.�

My mother taught me IRONY.

�Keep crying, and I�ll give you something to cry about.�

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

�Shut your mouth and eat your supper.�

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

�Just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!�

My mother taught me about STAMINA.

�You�ll sit there until you�ve eaten all that cabbage.�

My mother taught me about WEATHER.

�Your bedroom looks as if a tornado went through it.�

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

�If I told you once, I�ve told you a million times. Don�t exaggerate!�

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

�Stop acting like your father!�

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

�Just wait until we get home.�

My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

�You are going to get it when you get home!�

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

�Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?�

My mother taught me GENETICS.

�You�re just like your father.�

Knock, knock. Who�s there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel working? I had to knock.

Knock, knock. Who�s there? Yodel-lay-he. Yodel-lay-he-who? I didn�t know you could yodel.


Puzzles and Quizzes

There are at least 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name ten of them?


Rearrange the letters.

anagram puzzle

Find slightly unusual types of transport.


Answers here.

Crossword 29

crossword grid 29



    • 1 Regulate the flow here. (8)
    • 5 Green �baggage�. (4)
    • 9 Fearsome, inspiring dread. (5)
    • 10 Tapering monument. (7)
    • 11 Pope. (7)
    • 12 Tough cotton twill. (5)
    • 13 Euphrasia helps sore peepers.(9)
    • 18 �out ..... lee� Widecombe Fair.(5 )
    • 20 A warning, but amusing too. (7)
    • 22 Vingt - et - un. (7)
    • 23 Play 22 faced thus. (5)
    • 24 8 ties the knot. (4)
    • 25 Capital of Tuscany. (8)
  • Down
    • 1 Philatelist�s delight. (6)
    • 2 Guilty act. (7)
    • 3 Corsican site of Nelson�s lost eye. (5)
    • 4 Fond croc alarm - round here! (anag) (8,5)
    • 6 �in tears amid the ..... corn�. (Keats) (5)
    • 7 An Inuit.(6)
    • 8 Ancient Mariner? (6)
    • 14 Fillip from the hen house. (6)
    • 15 Inspissate. (6)
    • 16 Hep ram - impede him!(anag) (6)
    • 17 �a cloth ...... with a twisted cue�. (Mikado) (6)
    • 19 Snow leopard. (5)
    • 21 Upon my sole � or yours! (5)

a pie chart



You will have seen the early morning granddad buggy pushers, or the grannies, dads and mums, all following in the heroic tradition of our forebears who looked for the North West Passage from the Atlantic to the Pacific. However, these are searching for something equally evasive in Crich: a circular route, staying on pavements, 45 minutes, enough to get baby to fall asleep. There are two key criteria: a) to arrive home alive; b) not to wheel dog mess all over the hall carpet, which can lead to penalties under the terms of a) above.
Sometimes it seems more like an army assault course or an Indiana Jones adventure or, at best, a convoluted version of Radio 4�s Mornington Crescent. You should have a good safe run along the Common as long as you can slalom between the dog poos which have been delicately spread by previous buggy pushers. Avoid those and come against a van parked on the pavement; venture out into the road with your baby-charge only to be flattened by an aggregate lorry or boy racer. Massive penalty points and return to Go. Waiting for traffic to subside to dip out into the road to avoid pushing forward-facing buggy through overgrown hawthorn bush can incur a considerable time penalty.
You might feel you are making progress as you reach the corner of the Market Place, or the top of Jeffries Lane by the Dutchman, or approaching the top of the Dimple. Suddenly the pavement narrows and you face an oncoming car whilst experimenting with your two-wheeled stunt. Succeed and gain bonus points. Fail and lose a wheel. You might continue round Dimple Lane but be ready to divert quickly into a hedge or ditch on a blind bend � and then gather your breath for the upward slog and victory at the end.
There are some promising-looking footpaths and alleyways along which, having navigated the ubiquitous dog mess you come against a vertical post or even more vertical steps. One has an interesting horizontal bar under which the more supple buggy-pusher can limbo dance, being careful not to upset the pram backwards just as baby has gone off. Definitely worth trying for the extra points.
Thankfully Crich wasn�t designed by Town and Country Planners, but evolved over centuries and wasn�t built for buggies or wheelchairs, let alone cars. Its disappearing pavements, rugged steps, mysterious paths, hills and blind bends are all part of its landscape and happily will always remain so. Some consideration of the obstacles described above could make the adventure of wheeling a pushchair a little less terrifying. Meanwhile baby naturally won�t go to sleep � it�s far too much fun watching your carer negotiating the hazards.
Martyn Offord


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


If at first you don�t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


Did you know? 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions?


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


The 50-50-90 rule
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


�Two drug addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


Delia v The Real Woman
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way: It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way: Cure for headaches � Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way: Cure for headaches � Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a large glass of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won�t care.

Finally the most important tip ...
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles.
The Real Woman's Way: Left over wine???? Helllloooo!!


DERBY MERCURY 11th July 1883

CURIOUS RHYMES � At Alfreton we noted the following lines on church bells:-

Alfreton kettles,
Pentrich pans,
Crich great rollers,
Wingfield ting-tangs.
We have obtained from another part of the county a more extended version as follows:-
Crich two roller boulders,
Wingfield ting-tangs,
Alfreton kettles, And Pentrich pans,
Kirk Hallam candlesticks,
Cossall cow-bells,
Denby cracked pancheons,
And Horsley merry bells.
The next rhyme is certainly not flattering to the places named:-
Ripley ruffians,
Butterley blacks,
Swanwick bulldogs,
Alfreton shacks.

Some fifty years ago Ripley was noted for its rough characters, but at the present times the people do not lack polish. We are told that blacking-pots did the duty of drinking glasses during the fairs at Ripley half a century ago. Butterley blacks cannot be accounted for charitably on any theory but the close proximity of the Butterley Ironworks. As for Swanwick bull dogs, it must be a libel, for until recently it was one of the quietest hamlets in England. Alfreton shacks is easily accounted for. For generations past Alfreton always had, down to twenty years ago, a notorious set of idlers in it, ready for anything except working for an honest living � easily earning the cognomen of Alfreton shacks. There has happily been since then a marked improvement, with the drawback of rowdyism, characteristic of a mining population. The date of the origin of the rhyme is probably about 1800.


Crossword No. 31

Compiled by Lin & Brian Sargeant

First correct entry opened to Crossword 30 was from:
Angela Talbot, Fritchley
who receives the �5 prize donated by Lin & Brian Sargent.

Thank you to all who sent in entries. To enter this quarter, send in your solution and name, address and postcode.

Closing date: 13 January 2009

  • CACN post-box Lloyds Chemist,
  • Crich
  • or post to -
  • PO Box 7178,
  • Crich,
  • Matlock,
  • DE4 9AU
  • crosswordgrid


1 Tinsel Toy. (6)
5 Wee tot of 15? (4)
9 �Quinquireme of .......� (Masefield). (7)
10 Recruit and join battle. (6)
11 Fire Lisa! Only good knitters here. (4,4)
12 �........ and mountain spring� (Hymn� Oakley). (6)
15 Disable. (6)
18 �healed ....... forgiven� (Hymn�H F Lyte). (8)
20 Citrus Aurantium. (6)
22 Incomplete. (7)
23 UK loot, Aussie Matilda. (4)
24 Moderated. (6)


2 The book in your stocking. (6)
3 Big spender in Carey Street. (8)
4 Yuletide sprites. (5)
6 Sound forth in a peal. (4)
7 Crib compromise. (6)
8 Prosit! (6)
13 Speedwell. (8)
14 Canny. (6)
16 Seasonal show. (6)
17 Darwins voyaging �hunter�. (6)
19 Who�s got the sack then?! (5)
21 Sudden bright star. (4)

Solution to Crossword No 30:

Across: 1 Roundabout. 9 Uniform. 10 Alibi. 11 Cope. 12 Foredeck. 14 Abroad. 15 Vizier. 18 Decorous. 20 Acer. 22 Urals. 23 Chimera. 24 Yesteryear.
Down: 2 Oboe. 3 Nimrod. 4 Academia. 5 Opine. 6 Trick or Treat. 7 Punch and Judy. 8 Simper. 13 Lacrosse. 16 Inches. 17 Outcry. 19 Class. 21 Visa. apt.

Daft Facts and Jokes

P�s and Q�s: Theory 1
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So, in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase, "mind your P's and Q's."

P�s and Q�s: Theory 2
�Mind your P�s and Q�s�: advice to printers� apprentices to avoid confusing the backward-facing metal type lowercase P s and Q s. I've never heard any suggestion that printers should mind their D s and B s though, even though that has the benefit of rhyming, which would have made it a more attractive slogan.

Is it true?
Bakers swap bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that�s in the side that�s in goes out, and when he�s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he�s out. When they are all out, the side that�s out comes in and the side that�s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.


Lolly cigarettes
Pogo sticks
Newsreels before the movie
Four-digit telephone numbers
45 RPM. records
Metal ice cube trays with levers
Spud guns
Ford Capris
Reel-to-reel tape recorders
Houses made of cards
Meccano sets
Pink bubble gum
Love Hearts
Two bob for a gallon of petrol
Gas mantles

Police were recently called to a local Pre-School where a three-year-old was found resisting a rest

When my wife saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

I just got lost�in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I felt my body had become totally out of shape, so I went to my doctor for permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. � Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice post on the hall table.
I decide to go through the letters before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I�m going to be near the post box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the cup of tea I�d been drinking.
I�m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the tea aside so that I don�t accidentally knock it over.
The tea is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the kitchen to wash up.
As I head toward the kitchen with the tea, a vase of flowers on the work top catches my eye � they need watering.
I put the tea on the work top and discover my reading glasses that I�ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I�d better put them back on my desk, but first I�m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I�ll be looking for the remote, but I won�t remember that it�s on the kitchen table.
So I decide to put it back in the sitting room where it belongs, but first I�ll water the flowers.
I go to pour some water in the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn�t washed.
The bills aren�t paid.
There is a cold cup of tea sitting on the work top.
The flowers don�t have enough water.
There is still only one cheque in my cheque book.
I can�t find the remote.
I can�t find my glasses.
And I don�t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I�m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I�m really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I�ll try to get some help for it.
Don�t laugh � if this isn�t you yet, your day is coming!!

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth?queuing for.